De-Escalation Techniques For Kids | Stop A Tantrum Before It Starts

If you are someone who spends any amount of time with kids then you know that dealing with tantrums and meltdowns is unavoidable. It’s just part of the territory. Learning how to de-escalate these unpleasant situations is a skill that will make life easier for you.

The best de-escalation techniques start with looking past their words and actions and identifying the emotions behind it all. You should verbally draw attention to their emotions in order to validate them and to show the child that you understand how they feel; just be careful to not validate their actions (which were likely not appropriate).

Their actions or words are a direct result of what the child feels at the moment. Address the emotions first through the de-escalation techniques below, and then address consequences of their actions later.

Check out my video on de-escalation

BEFORE THE MELTDOWN: Find the Sweet Spot

The ‘sweet spot’ is the point after they have been triggered but have not yet started acting out.

The best way to deal with a meltdown is to prevent it before it starts and the sweet spot is your best chance to do this. As you get to know the children better, you will learn what events or circumstances tend to trigger them. Being able to identify these triggers is the first step in preventing a meltdown. If you don’t know these triggers yet, then pay close attention over the next few days and weeks.

Once you have them identified, the strategy for preventing the meltdown before it starts is to use redirection at the ‘sweet spot’ of the mounting meltdown. Redirection is the art of interjecting a distraction at a critical point in the meltdown cycle. It identifies the negative behavior and flips it to something safe and positive. Redirection often helps to get the child out of the ‘fight or flight’ mode and puts them back in their ‘thinking brain.’

IGNORE THOSE MEAN WORDS, AT FIRST

At first, you’ll need to ignore their words but pay close attention to their emotions. Children can’t always properly express themselves, so focusing on what they say might lead you down the wrong path. But by reading their body language and noting the context of the situation that just transpired, you can quickly determine what emotion the child is feeling.

Call out the emotion and body language that you see. You can say things like ‘I see that you are frowning, and have your arms crossed. You look upset because…’ or ‘I can see by your eyes you are scared…’ Identifying the emotion helps to validate what they are feeling but not their actions. If you focus on their actions, this could have the reverse effect and actually encourage more inappropriate behavior. Yikes!

Also, this helps to develop the child’s own emotional intelligence by teaching them to connect their behavior (acting out, yelling, hitting) to how they are feeling.

If you are unable to prevent the meltdown, don’t worry, there is still hope!

DURING THE MELTDOWN

1. BE SILENT

Its ok to be silent. I’ll repeat. IT’S OK TO BE SILENT. Sometimes children respond well to a calm and soothing authoritative presence amidst all the chaos that they believe is taking place. In fact, it might be good for you to intentionally take a few moments to compose yourself before potentially over reacting.

Your action: Calmly let them know that you are going to sit with them or near them and allow them to express their emotions until they are ready, choose to talk, or continue playing. Of course, this technique wouldn’t be a good idea if they are hurting themselves or someone else. If they are expressing themselves by hurting, remind them that being upset is okay but hurting others or themselves is not okay.

2. USE DISTRACTIONS 

Even if you missed the ‘sweet spot’, distractions can still be a great tool! For young children distractions don’t have to be very complicated. Sometimes tickling works. Sometimes a snack works if they are hungry.

As the tantrum is mounting, ask them to feel how soft the couch is or notice how bright the sun is shining through the window. You could go for a walk outside, jump on a trampoline, play on a swing set…you just have to think quickly and then use what is available.

PRO TIP: A de-escalation technique I use often is to ask the child if they can tell me the color of my eyes or a physical attribute on my face. This takes them away from the tantrum/fight or flight and shifts their focus to me, I gain eye contact, and they are now back in their thinking brain.

3. DECREASE STIMULATION

With all the technology available to children these days, sometimes they become over stimulated and need to transition to something calmer or more naturally relaxing.

If they are upset because they keep losing on a computer or iPad game – time to turn it off! Tell the kids they are going to take a 15-minute break and do something else for a little bit. They can go read a book, draw a picture, or work on a puzzle; anything that lessens the stimulation.

Think of ‘old school’ activities when decreasing stimulation, like the activities that you used to do on a rainy day when you were a kid and had to entertain yourself. This might be a little boring for them, but that’s ok! Kids need to learn how to deal with a little boredom.  I believe a little boredom stimulates creativity.

Find ways for them to reconnect with nature. Going for a walk or spending time near water is quite calming for children. (it’s good for you too!) Just make sure to keep a close eye on them.

Here is a quick video on calming techniques for kids using water. Great for those summer time meltdowns.

4. JUST LEAVE THE PLAYDATE

If they are getting worked up because they are at a play date and it’s not going so well, leave. Seriously, JUST LEAVE. No harm, no foul. Any other (reasonable) parent or nanny would understand. Sometimes you just need to take them out of the situation that is causing the meltdown. If the kids don’t want to leave then explain what needs to happen in order for them to stay. Be clear about your expectations for their behavior. Or set a time limit and tell them that you will stay for 15 more minutes before leaving.

PSA: If you are in the store or a public place, please feel empowered to pick them up and move them outside to the car so they can tantrum there. Let them know that they can go back in when they are done and can show they are ready.

Sometimes the added stress of a public spectacle makes things more uncomfortable for you and the child, so taking it somewhere more private can help calm things down. This is different than making demands because you are allowing space for them to express their emotions and then resume with your activities. It also reiterates your expectations for their behavior AND the response you’ll have when the expectations are not met.

A quick side note here – a good tip for preventing a meltdown prior to leaving a fun activity is to give them a time limit. ‘Ok buddy, you’ve got five more minutes to play before we leave the park.’ Then another reminder at the 2-minute mark. This helps to lessen the blow when it comes time to actually leave.

Talking about expectations before you leave to go to the store, park, or other people’s houses is a great way to teach kids about expected behavior BEFORE the tantrum starts.

It will take time for them to learn, so don’t expect perfect behavior just because you had one conversation prior to going somewhere. But with consistency, setting expectations clearly is an invaluable tool that will set them up for success.

5. DEEP BREATHING EXERCISES

Deep breathing is wonderful technique to teach kids! They learn to stop, think, then act; a skill they will carry with them the rest of their life. When they start to get worked up, have them count to 10 while taking deep breaths. Ask them to ‘smell the flowers, and blow out the candles’ of an imaginary birthday cake. This tactic can be interjected quickly, in the heat of the moment, and could help calm things down before it gets out of control. If you are a yogi, have them join you!

6. SELF-SOOTHING

It’s essential that children begin to practice the skills needed to work through their emotions and process feelings even when there is not an adult available to work through the tantrum with them. To be honest, self-soothing is a life skill we all need.

Quick self-soothing techniques:

• give them a blanket or stuffed animal to cuddle
• let them sing a quiet song
• have them write a letter about their emotions
• give them some space while they work through their tantrum
• or make a calming strategy board with pictures for them to reference on their own

A PIT FALL TO AVOID: Making Demands

This approach is challenging because if they are yelling, you instinctively want to tell them to stop. Instead, allow them some time to express themselves. Telling them to sit down or stop kicking the door won’t work in the heat of the moment.

The time to talk to them about how to safely express their emotions is after they have calmed down and can listen.

Say something like “Hey, remember earlier when you were upset and threw your toys on the floor then slammed the door?” Wait for their head nod. Then share other ways to express emotions without hurting or yelling. Since they are in a calmer frame of mind and their ‘thinking brain,’ they will be more receptive of your words. And since you waited a little bit before sharing what was really on your mind, you probably saved yourself from saying a few things you’d wish you hadn’t.

REMEMBER

Don’t give in to the tantrum. Kids will be kids but that doesn’t mean they do what they want when they want. If you truly care about them, you will put up guardrails and expectations for them. This is all part of your role in helping the smallest among us grow up to be productive members of society and emotionally healthy beings.