Gentle Parenting (with a Splash of Truth)

When I think about gentle parenting the first thing that comes to mind is a woman in a long flowy dress, running in slow motion, picking lilies in a field and frolicking about with her well-behaved children beside her. It sometimes feels like an exclusive club that only allows perfectly patient parents to join. The honest truth is that gentle parenting is about so much more than the illusion of easy or passive parenting. Gentle parenting is not for the faint of heart. It takes work and a tiny bit of your inner gangsta.

Sometimes you have to assert your ‘inner-gangsta’ with your children. Every parent has it; they just have to learn how and when to use it. It doesn’t require yelling, cursing, abusing, or belittling your children. It simply requires that you are assertive and firm in the moments you need to be.

Tapping into this version of gentle parenting is most useful when children are stepping outside the established boundaries.  It is not possible (or wise) to always respond to your children’s misbehavior with a long-drawn-out explanation about how you understand their feelings… and how you recognize that they need space…and how their desire to hit others just needs time to work itself out. Sometimes you roll up your sleeves, get down to their eye-level, look that child directly in the windows of their soul, and remind them that you will not allow them to hit you. Not now. Not ever. See, being gentle and authentic isn’t as hard as you thought!

If we look at what it means to practice gentle parenting we recognize that we must be firm at times when the situation calls for it. Gentle parenting is about respect, understanding, empathy, and boundaries. It is not about allowing children to get away with everything. It’s not about allowing children to hit you or others or destroy property because they are angry. It’s not about turning a blind eye to misbehavior because you are being ‘gentle.’ Full-stop. Misbehavior, hitting, angry outburst, and hurting others needs to be dealt with by the child’s parent or guardian.

Let’s start at the beginning of gentle parenting. The goal of GP is to build a strong bond between parent and child. This bond requires mutual respect. Parents offer and model the type of respect they expect from their child. Positive attributes like respect are taught to children rather than demanded.

Another attribute of gentle parenting is understanding. Gentle parents take the time to find the ‘why’ behind the ‘what.’ Coming from a place of understanding means you ask the child questions, actively listen, and watch them to learn their triggers. When a parent first seeks to understand, they seek to know the whole child and not simply to control the child.

Similar to trying to understand your child, GP requires empathy. Put yourself in the shoes of your child and try to see a situation through their eyes. This is probably the most challenging pillar because it requires you to be patient and to have a strong understanding of your own triggers.

The final pillar of gentle parenting is boundaries. This attribute seems to be the one that is missed most by those who practice GP. Loving your child, being empathetic, and trying to understand them does not mean you cannot set limits for them. They are children and will self-destruct if not given guard rails. You, the parent, were given the responsibility to protect them and guide them. If you respect and love your child then you will empathetically put boundaries in place.

Most of the time you won’t have to awaken your inner thug because you understand the power of utilizing the 4 pillars. However, practicing the four pillars of gentle parenting is not easy. The good news is that you do not have to be perfect at it. You can be gentle yet firm. You can be kind with a splash gangsta!