If you’re anything like me, when a child hits you, it can be infuriating! It’s defiant and disrespectful. However, it’s (usually) not without reason.
We need to respond in a way that is not only appropriate but also constructive and loving for the child. We have the choice to discipline in a positive way even when their behavior infuriates us. So, if you want to stay out of prison (I can’t actually keep you out of prison) when dealing with a child who hits you, then be sure to keep reading.
Or check out this video for a quick overview:
Reasons why a child may hit, bite, or kick:
- Lack of communication skills
- Developmental concerns
- Mimicking behavior they see
- Attention. Mommy/daddy pay attention to me when I hit or bite
1. Lack of Communication Skills
Depending on the age of the child, hitting is developmentally normal because they don’t know how to communicate their thoughts and emotions just YET (i.e. ages two and under). When something happens that they don’t like or that upsets them, they have a flood of feelings and instantaneous emotions that result in an impulsive behavior. That behavior is to hit or bite in order to get what they want.
2. Developmental Concerns
If you have been trying normal interventions and corrections over a long period of time and they just don’t seem to have any effect, there could be something going on developmentally that a doctor or professional would need to diagnose.
I am someone with lots of child rearing experience, but I’m not going to pretend to know how to make that diagnosis. You know your child best, if you’ve had that gut feeling that something is off or concerning, talk to your pediatrician or healthcare provider. Either your mind will be put at ease or you can get your child the help they need.
3. Mimicking Behavior
This one could be a touchy subject for a lot of us. But it’s true. Kids mimic the behavior that they see.
It could be something innocuous, like they saw you working out to the latest kickboxing guru streaming online. Now they want to kickbox and karate chop everything in sight. Maybe it was something they saw older kids do that was all in good fun, but that they didn’t understand was just play. Or maybe – someone in the household or the child’s life is demonstrating some unhealthy behavior.
A quick but important side note here, if the behavior your child is seeing originates from an abusive partner, please, please, PLEASE reach out to someone for help. If you have no one, there are many resources available online or by phone: Domestic Violence Support | The National Domestic Violence Hotline (thehotline.org) or call 800.799.SAFE (7233). There is no shame in getting help.
4. Hitting Gets Attention
Kids crave our attention, and they are willing to do anything to get it. Even if it’s through negative behavior. While unpleasant, this is fairly common.
It’s kind of ironic how adults have their own version of this logic. Ever heard the phrase ‘There is no such thing as bad publicity?’ It’s the notion that it doesn’t matter how people pay attention to you, all that matters is that they are paying attention.
But of course, on an individual level, people and especially parents, do care about the how. When you can recognize that your child is acting out just to get your attention, it can be helpful in identifying how to meet their needs while addressing their behavior at the same time.
Whatever the reason may be, please don’t take the passive parent approach when it comes to stopping kids from hitting. Hitting is unacceptable in all situations. It’s true for adults and it’s true for children. The sooner they learn this lesson the better off they will be. Find your power as a parent to address this issue.
My Kid is a Hitter or a Biter. So now what?
Identifying why your child is hurting others can be helpful primarily because it enables more empathy when deciding on the proper response. But it also gives us insight into which of the following methods could best address their behavior.
Six steps that have proven successful for me:
-
- Tell them that hitting/biting is not ok
- Ask them why they chose to hurt
- Offer an alternative to hitting
- Be consistent in reminding them of your expectations
- Find reading materials about hitting, biting, aggression etc.
- Encourage the good that you see
Step 1: Remind Them That Hitting Is Not Acceptable
Regardless of age, it’s just not acceptable. Come down to their eye level and clearly and decisively tell them that hitting is not ok. Don’t casually mention it. Don’t say it as a suggestion. Dig down into your serious tone of voice and body posture to make sure they understand – this is not a game.
Developing a pattern or hurting themselves or others can become very serious. And you will need to use all forms of communication to make that clear (verbal, tone of voice, body language). You can positively parent and STILL be firm with your kids.
Step 2: Ask Them Why They Hit
If they are not in a full-on rage then try asking them about why they made the choice to hurt someone or themselves. You could say something as simple as ‘I noticed that when you’re angry and kicked mommy in the leg. Can you tell me why?’ and just see what they come up with. This will give you insight into how their brain works.
Doing this teaches children to connect their thinking brain to their emotions and behaviors. As with adults, understanding the why behind something your choice or why you feel a certain way helps us process the situation to eventually find a solution for the problem at hand. Children have not developed that skill yet, and its your job to help coach them to connect their brain -> to their feelings -> to their behavior. Ultimately this all connects to them understanding that they have a choice in how they respond.
Step 3: Offer an Alternative Choice
Offer them an alternative to hitting by reminding them how to appropriately and positively use hands and feet. ‘Let’s throw a ball’ or ‘let’s go eat some ice-cream with our hands.’ If they are kicking, then say ‘let’s jump on the trampoline’ or ‘let’s go for a walk with our feet.’ These are simple redirecting techniques that can help deescalate the situation (de-escalation techniques here). But more importantly, this reminds them that our hands, feet, and mouths have appropriate purposes. Hitting, kicking or biting others or themselves is not one of those purposes.
Step 4: Be Consistent
Consistently remind them of your expectations. Don’t let hitting slide sometimes then discipline for it at other times. The message needs to be applied every time and the message needs to be the same.
We have heard the phrase ‘Keep your hands and feet to yourself.’ You will be saying this phrase or some variation of it, around 100 million times especially if you have a toddler. This requires extreme patience, this requires keeping your cool, but most of all it requires consistency.
Step 5: Find Reading Materials
There are lots of great resources that go way more in depth than a simple blog post. If you are trying some of these methods without success, you’ll need to get your hands on any and all information available to you.
Want to go the simpler route? There are literally children’s books called ‘Hands are not for hitting’ and ‘Teeth are not for biting.’ These books use simple language to walk a child through appropriate and safe ways to use hands and teeth. In the back of the books, they even have tips and advice for parents on how to positively deal with children who act out in this way.
Step 6: Encourage the Good
This is such a crucial step. It is so easy to only focus on all the negative behaviors that happen throughout the day. When you see them doing something good with their hands, like coloring for example, say ‘I really like how you’re using your hands for coloring.’ It’s important to link positive behavior that you see to the part of their body that they typically utilize in a negative way (hands/arms, feet/legs, teeth/mouth).
Well…I’ve tried all that!
You may say… I’ve tried all of these steps and my kids just LAUGH when I put them in timeout or try to discipline them. Let me tell you something. I never laughed once, in my entire childhood, when my mom disciplined me. I KNEW when she was serious and that an appropriate consequence was coming my way when I misbehaved. She meant what she said, remained consistent, and she followed through.
Your kids KNOW when you are not serious. They KNOW when you don’t have follow through. They KNOW how to call your bluff. If you never, or even just occasionally, follow through on a consequence – tell me why they would ever listen to you? I don’t say this to step on toes but to empower you to be a parent who is in control of your household.
It is hard to follow through when they are misbehaving but you have to do it. Children need boundaries. The time for bluffing is over. Your children need a parent who knows how to discipline in a positive way.
So, don’t be passive about getting your child to stop hitting. Some of it is normal until they reach about 2 years old. Usually by then they have the skills necessary to use their words. But please don’t normalize your kids putting their hands on you or laugh when they do.
Through some intentional love and boundaries, the behavior can be corrected. And remind yourself that tough love appropriately applied is still love! Frankly, letting them get away with violence is unloving to them in the long run, because eventually that behavior will come back to hurt them (and others).
Go forth and love your kiddos while providing positive discipline.
shandacerobertson
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