Do the grandparents of YOUR children ever get on your nerves? Do they ever overstep their boundaries and forget that YOU are the parents? If not…then I’m not sure I believe you. But if you’re like virtually everyone else, you and your parents (or in-laws) have had a run-in or two ever since the mini-humans entered the picture.
When it comes to grandparents who overstep boundaries, the good news is that you’re not alone, it’s quite common for new parents to have some conflict with their own parents (or in-laws) over the grandkids.
It is critical for everyone to acknowledge that all parties involved are adjusting to a new normal. It’s a bit of a ‘storming phase’ and it takes time for new parents to settle in to the fact that they are responsible for keeping this little creature alive. But it also takes time for the new Grandparents to realize that they are not the parents anymore. Everyone has moved into a new role which can be a hard reality sometimes.
Ultimately, Grandparents need to realize they should follow rules and requests of the parents. You are the parent; they are the grandparent. The role of the parent needs to be respected and honored. But before you go getting all self-righteous on me, remember that the role of the grandparents should be respected and honored as well. Both are needed and valued.
Steps to repairing the relationship:
- Identify the problem
- Make a specific list of what bothers you
- Ask yourself if you are part of the problem
- Have a conversation with the grandparents
- Set limitations and boundaries
- Allow room for them to be grandparents. Don’t micromanage
- Consider counseling or professional help
**(Quick side note, this article is written assuming the relationship with the grandparents is safe and appropriate. Always do what is best and safe for your children.)
Need a good laugh? Watch this video:
Step 1: Identify the problem
Well, obviously it’s them! I know this thought has crossed your mind on more than one occasion. As easy as it would be to just blame them, it really is important to analyze what SPECIFICALLY bothers you. There are quite literally an infinite number of issues that could come between you. Only you know what drives you up the wall and only you can truly do the work needed to identify the problem.
So, before reacting in anger and saying something you might regret, take time to calmly process what has been happening. While trite, you can’t find a solution without first identifying the problem.
Step 2: Make a list and check it twice
Seeing the list in front of you helps to release the mental burden you’ve been carrying around. There could be (and likely are) MULTIPLE issues at work here. When there are multiple issues it gets confusing and convoluted when trying to address them.
Making a list of all the issues is sort of like untangling a box full of last year’s Christmas lights, who knows how many string lights are in here! You have to untangle them one at a time, and once they’re untangled one massive, messy problem is suddenly broken down into a few smaller problems. Each smaller problem becomes less daunting to take on by itself unlike when it was mixed in with all of the other problems. So, write it down. Use your phone or a journaling app if you are worried about someone finding the list.
Step 3: Ask yourself, if you’re part of the problem?
Ok, time to buckle up for some self-reflection and humility.
It can be hard to see ourselves as we really are. Even still, you’ve got to ask yourself ‘what can I do that would help this situation?’ What, if anything, have you done to make this problem worse? The goal is to fix the problem, and if you are part of that problem you HAVE to own it and be brave enough to make those changes with yourself.
Now it’s entirely possible that you really haven’t done anything wrong, and if so, it’s still beneficial to look inside and be honest with yourself. If you truly believe the problem is not with you, then at the very least you have been reminded and recalibrated to the fact that you are not perfect, and neither are the grandparents of your kids. When possible, try to show grace and patience to others. While challenging, you may even have to give them the benefit of the doubt.
Step 4: Have the conversation
Sometimes (many times) the relationship between the parent and grandparent can be complicated, especially when the grandparents overstep the boundary line. We definitely are not trying to minimize that fact with this article. So, if you think they will be receptive to a conversation, try to find a time and place that’s good for both of you to broach the subject.
When you do sit down and have a conversation with them, being willing to concede in some areas might make stubborn grandparents a little more willing to listen to your requests.
Try not to scold them. They are your parents (or in-laws) after all, so being put to shame by someone who’s diaper you used to change can be humiliating. Being shamed in general is no fun. Be careful with your choice of words AND your tone of voice. But of course, be honest and open about what is bothering you and about what you would like them to change. Keep reading as the next step connects directly to this one.
Step 5: Set limits and boundaries
…And stick to them. Hopefully after a respectful and open conversation the grandparent(s) will be willing to concede that ultimately you are the gatekeeper when it comes to their relationship with your child.
Afterall, they are YOUR children. At the end of the day, you are the parent. They are not. If you have some non-negotiables, stick to them. Especially when it comes to health issues and safety. They need to make the choice to either follow your lead or risk not having access to your children. And of course, please remember the advice earlier of not sweating the small stuff. Only draw hard lines in the sand about truly important issues.
Step 6: Allow room for them to be Grandparents
Don’t Micromanage 
This is important to remember even with your limits and boundaries. While it may seem like a complete contradiction to step 5, it’s not. Let me explain.
Sometimes as parents we have a specific set of rules we want the grandparents to follow. Even going so far as to print this list of rules and giving it to the grandparents when we drop the kids off. Your limits and boundaries need to be reasonable.
Your parents or in-laws may not be able to only feed your kid non-GMO, certified organic, vegan, gluten free mac and cheese. I mean, come on!
- Where are some areas where you can lighten up a little bit and just allow them to be grandparents?
- Determine your non-negotiables and stick to those. Let the other stuff just roll off your back.
After all, most grandparents love to spoil their grandkids. Maybe staying up 20 minutes past their bed time at grandma’s house isn’t so bad every now and then, even if it means you’ll have a hard time getting them to sleep the next day. Sometimes the old adage of ‘don’t sweat the small stuff’ is exactly the advice we need to hear.
Kids need their grandparents. Sometimes the little moments that drive you nuts are important for growing their relationship and bonding with your children. Identifying areas where you can ‘give a little’ and allow them to ‘just do their grandparent thing’ will help solidify a positive relationship with your kids. It shows them that you trust their decision making. (Assuming that you do trust them of course)
Step 7: Consider counseling or professional help
Relationships with your parents or in-laws can often be very complicated. Complications are highlighted when you add grandchildren into the mix. I know, shocker! You may very well desire for your parents or in-laws to have a relationship with their grandchildren, but their lack of respect for your ground rules makes it too difficult to deal with. If you’ve tried everything it might be time to consider professional help or counseling.
Lord knows I could use some help. But sometimes we just need an unbiased third party to step in. Involving other family members could just make things worse. So, reaching out to a professional, or a leader in your community or place of worship could be the best path forward.
Summary / Key Takeaways:
Focus on these key points:
- Grandparents should follow the parents’ rules
- Kids need their grandparents
- Expect adjustments (for you and the grandparents) when you have your first child. There’s a storming phase until everyone finds their new normal.
- Don’t sweat the small stuff. Ask yourself, how big of a deal is this on a scale of 1-10?
Go forth, love your kiddos, and invest in the betterment of their lives.
shandacerobertson
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