If you’re reading this article then you are looking for information on what to do as a grandparent when the parents of your grandchildren are the ones who overstep the boundary line.
- Are you assumed to be the on-call babysitter?
- Do the parents give you a list of rules when they drop off your grandchildren?
- Are you expected to pay for all the outings when your grandchildren are involved?
If they want your help with the grandkids, then you should have some say around things that impact your space, time, and money. The role of a grandparent is to be honored and respected.
The Cold Hard Truth
You will have to accept the fact that they are the parents, and you are not.
When a new child enters the world, it is a huge adjustment for the entire family. Mostly for the parents, but for the extended family as well. As we talked about in our prior post “Tips For Parents When Grandparents Overstep Their Boundaries”, sometimes it’s the parents who need a reality check. I’m here to give them just that. Respectfully, of course.
Parents of a new child are stressed, exhausted, overwhelmed, and their entire way of life will never be the same. These changes can cause significant stresses on their relationships with the rest of the family.
As a grandparent dealing with parents who overstep their boundaries, the best piece of advice is to try and remember what it was like when you were in their shoes. Remember how exhausted you were? How annoying it was when your parents or in-laws were overly critical of how you parented. When you wanted to do things a little differently, and how frustrating and discouraging it was when they reminded you that ‘they know best.’
1. Grandparents deserves respect. Period.
You’ve earned your stripes and while not perfect, you did your best to take good care of your children. And look, at least one of them made it to adulthood and procreated.
When parents have a new child, it’s a fair assumption that the new stress and exhaustion has caused them to be less respectful towards you than they used to be. Stress and exhaustion have the power to change our behavior. (Hopefully) it won’t be like this forever and they will return to their more respectful selves. Try to show grace and patience during the transition. It’s not fair, it’s not right, but a little grace goes a long way.
2. Allow room for your adult children to make their own mistakes.
The same way you did when you were a parent, allow them the breathing room to learn from mistakes. Some lessons are BEST learned the hard way. You remember the “mom seatbelt,” and all the second-hand smoke they inhaled.
Every generation faces a completely different world than the last. Maybe the old way of parenting doesn’t really work anymore. But, maybe it does. Allow space for them to figure that out and decided what works for their family.
No one wants to be told what to do and how to do it; especially not your adult children.
3. Defer to their judgement.
Yes, EVEN when you don’t agree. I know this is hard to do. Especially when you have foresight and know what lies ahead. Unless it’s unsafe for the child, defer to the judgement of the parents. Doing so helps build trust by showing that you respect their role as the parent. Respect is different than agreeing. You can disagree and still be respectful. Over time this approach makes the parents more likely to let you grandparent the way you choose.
Also, be careful about doing something that you know does not align with their wishes even though your intentions are good. Your good intentions don’t matter. Ask yourself: DO THE PARENTS WANT YOU TO DO IT? If no, then acting on your good intentions will just harm your relationship with them. Perhaps after a few conversations and with some time, they might be ok with you acting on those good intentions.
Remember, it’s ok if your children are trying something new or different. But that does not mean they treat you poorly.
4. Express your feelings about how you’d like to grandparent
Ideally conversations are best done in-person, but with COVID precautions in place, a phone call or virtual meeting will suffice. Try to avoid leaving a long voicemail with endless ranting about all the things they are doing wrong. Clearly, doing this will not help and will make things worse.
When you express your thoughts, be sure to start off acknowledging things they do well as parents. Doing this helps to establish that you are not a threat to their parenting, takes their guard down, and shows that you genuinely desire to share your thoughts.
Be careful of your word choice and your tone. If there is a particularly sensitive topic between you, be especially careful.
Through proper word choice and calm tone of voice, the conversation is more likely to be well received. Without this, even if you are conveying the same message or ideas, the conversation may end in disaster. These two items reveal where your heart is at and they will be able to tell that you truly care.
5. Respect their boundaries
As we have said before, the cold hard truth is that they are the parent and you are not. You will have to respect their boundaries. But you can have boundaries of your own. We all know there are some downright crazy parenting styles and practices out there now. If the grandkids are at your home, then for the love of all that is holy, you don’t have to have little Timmy take a nap with Himalayan salt crystals! It’s your house!
Food and diet preferences is another issue that’s more modern in nature. Many people are going all gluten free, organic, keto, pescatarian… and the list goes on. Many times, this is just a choice. But sometimes there is a legitimate issue related to a food allergy or a real health issue. In the case of a serious health concern or allergy, do what the parents ask. Other times, let’s be honest, it’s just a popular fad.
You’ll have to decide which issues are worth putting your foot down on. But consider letting some things slide. Is it really that big of a deal to keep a loaf of gluten free bread around for some PB&J sandwiches? Probably not.
When there is a larger issue that has a meaningful impact on your time, your home or your money, it is totally ok for you to set some boundaries and to say ‘no.’ Of course, be careful with when and how you communicate these boundaries.
You get more flies with honey than with vinegar.
6. Remember, you are not just a babysitter
If your children assume that you’ll babysit at their beck and call, don’t agree! You are not the on-call babysitter. If you have an arrangement and are happy to be on-call, then that’s different. But treating you as such without a previously agreed upon arrangement, is demeaning and disrespectful.
If your children need frequent help, and you are willing, try to set up a schedule or talk about general parameters. You may be retired, or an empty nester, but you still have a life to live! Those malls won’t power walk themselves! And, when they drop little Timmy off right before Sunday night Bingo, that simply won’t do! In all seriousness, you have a life of your own and your time should be respected.
7. Your children need to actively parent their children, not you.
Just because you are sitting in the same room, doesn’t mean you take over parenting their kids. If they are scrolling through their phone while little Bobby-Sue is screaming her head off, it’s their job to take action. If they need help, they can ask. But expecting you to jump in as if you are the parent to feed their children or change their diaper, is not appropriate.
They are the parent, not you. If they want you to respect their role as a parent then they need to act like one. If this is becoming an issue, an honest and grace filled conversation is in order.
Final thoughts
As the author of this blog, clearly, I don’t know anything about the specifics of your relationship with your children and grandchildren. Only you know all those details. So, with each of these little tidbits of advice, apply this knowledge to make it fit your situation.
Maybe you haven’t even seen your children or grandchildren in years and are looking to change that. If so then there is likely a lot of reconciliation that needs to take place before any of these concepts can be implemented.
Don’t be afraid to reach out for help from a family counselor or professional. There is no shame in wanting to reconcile the relationship with your children and grandchildren. It’s a noble task.
At the end of the day, if you value the relationship with your family and want to see your grandkids regularly then respect the boundaries of their parents. However, don’t let them walk all over you, using the grandkids as some kind of bargaining chip. Both parents and grandparents need to work on having a fruitful relationship. This is what’s best for the grandkids. It’s also best for the whole family.
shandacerobertson
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