Phrases to Encourage Positive Sibling Relationships

I recently finished a book by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish called Siblings Without Rivalry. I highly recommend this book even if your children get along well. As parents, there may be blind spots in our parenting and quite frankly it’s hard to see ourselves as we really are. You may also unknowingly create tension between your children with your language or actions.

It’s important to note that while you may think your children get along well, your children may have frustrations with each other that you are unaware of. Or, better yet, they behave well only while you are watching. I have heard stories of older siblings torturing their younger siblings when their parents are away. Just saying. Since you can’t be everywhere at once, why not give your kids tools to make good choices even when you’re not around. This book offers those tools and I’ve summed up a few short phrases you can use with your kiddos, today.

1. You Guys Make a Good Team

This is an opportunity for you to look for the good that you see in your children. When you see them playing well together, doing something nice for one another, or even just sitting quietly in the same room. These words heard repeatedly will sink into their psych and leave the children wanting to live up to the phrase. You will see them begin to look for ways to solve problems together and work cohesively.

2. I’m Confident You Can Work Out A Solution That Works for Both of You

When you find yourself in the middle of the squabble, yet again, use this phrase. It takes the pressure off you and puts the responsibility of problem-solving in their hands. It’s a tall order but with practice they will begin to work our solutions that work for everyone without coming to you every time. If they are not able to come to a solution after giving it a genuine effort, it may be time for number 5. See below.

3. In This House We Don’t…

Sometimes sibling rivalries turn violent, get physical, or become deeply hurtful. In those instances it’s important to establish house rules. For instance, “in this house we don’t name call.” Or, “in this house we don’t hurt other peoples bodies.” Phrases such as these establish that we can have disagreements without hurting one another. Use these phrases in a way that makes sense for your children and to create a harmonious family life.

4. I Love That You…

When you spend time with your children, find ways to encourage their individual strengths. That’s it. You know where your child excels! Point out the areas where they do well without belittling their sibling or comparing them to their sibling. Say things like “I love that you always make your bed when you wake up in the morning. You’re a responsible person” Or, “I love that you help set the table for dinner every night. You’re a helpful person” Or even, ” I love that you take time to practice your violin. I’ve noticed how focused you are while you practice.”

5. Let’s Have a Family Meeting to Help Resolve This

When all else fails, call a family meeting. Write a note and put it where the kids can see it. If they don’t see it or they can’t read yet, make an announcement. During the meeting bring up the issues that are concerning the parents and/or disrupting the peace in the home. Let the children know that you’d like to hear their ideas for how to solve the problem and you will write down all ideas. Do this without judgement. You have the right to veto any idea but let them know that you want to hear any and all suggestions. Once everyone has shared, read the ideas aloud and try to select one that works for everyone. If you try a suggestion for a little while and it doesn’t work, go back to the list and try something else.

And just for kicks and giggles, please stop comparing your children to one another. Comparison is the thief of joy and only serves to create tension between siblings.